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(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th

wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads:

"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone

that reads:

"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last"

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

******************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast

table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed

either, and storms out of the house.

After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends

and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the

irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

(YEP, HE HAD THAT ONE COMING, TOO!)

**************************************...

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so

proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in

spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go

home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He

shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right

back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

**************************************

**************************************...

Marriage (Part VI) The Man of the House

The husband had just finished reading the book "Man of the House." He

stormed into the house and walked directly up to his wife. Pointing a

finger in her face, he said, "from now on, I want you to know that I am

the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a

gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a

sumptuous dessert. Then you're going to draw me a bath so I can relax.

And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and

comb my hair?'

His wife replied, "the funeral director?"

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Loved all of them - thanx!

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goodtimes

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heheheh%26gt;%26gt;%26gt;%26gt;very funny ones, even though, heard previously, still brought a lot of smile%26gt;%26gt;%26gt;LMAO

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a deftinite smile from me

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liked the last one the best 10 outa 10

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that was a bit long winded,i didn't finish reading as i fell asleep.

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u earned a smile from me!

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Hehe very funny!!!

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sorry can't be bothered to read all that lot.

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lol....thats the funniest thing ever! i like the mother of six father of four one! he he made me giggle ....reminds me of my parents! lol

:O)

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this one has me smiling. :)

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funny

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Absolutely brill, got any more?

Private note;

that brent s needs to know what real jokes are!

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lmao :-)

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:)))) Loved the first one best but smiled right until i read them all, thanks for the smile.

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wow - i needed a good laugh today - thanks

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Brilliant thanks I was feeling fed up

Jeff

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great

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Liked - NO make that LOVED 'em all!!!! Here's another for you.

Subject: THE THREE BEARS - THE REAL STORY !!!

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

"For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first......

It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house......

It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee......

It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away......

It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper and croissants......

It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table......

It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.

It was Mummy Bear who took the dog out for a walk, wiped its ****

It was mummy Bear who visited the shops for food for tonight's evening meal.

And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET !!!!"

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LMAO loved the 3 bears !!!

Wife sits for 4 hours looking at her marriage cerftificate.

Husband asks "what are u doing?"

She replies: "I鈥檓 looking for the frickin expiration date!!!!!!!

A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the husband behind the wheel. His wife suddenly looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we鈥檝e been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph.

She then says, "I don鈥檛 want you to try to talk me out of it, because I鈥檝e been having an affair with your best friend, and he鈥檚 a better lover than you are."

Again the husband stays quiet but speeds up as his anger increases.

"I want the house," she insists, pressing her luck. Again the husband speeds up, to eighty mph.

She says, "I want the car, too," but he just drives faster and faster.

By now he鈥檚 up to ninety mph. "All right," she says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.

This makes her a bit nervous, so she says, "Isn鈥檛 there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I鈥檝e got everything I need."

"Oh, really," she says, "so what have you got?"

Right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the husband smiles and says, "The airbag."

Smart Man !!!!

A Day at the Races

This guy is sitting quietly reading his newspaper when this wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the head with a magazine.

"Ouch" he says. "What was that for?"

"That was for the piece of paper I found in your pants, with the name Laura Lou written on it."

"Two weeks ago when I went to the track, Laura Lou was the name of a horse I bet on" he explained.

"Oh Honey I鈥檓 so sorry" his wife said, "I should have known there was a good reason."

Three days later while watching TV his wife walked up behind him and hit him with an iron skillet, knocking him out cold.

When he came to he said. "What in the world was that for?"

"Your horse called" screamed his wife.

In a small town one of the farmers decided to throw a party.Maria and Margarita decide to go.Their husbands decided to stay home.Maria and Margarita went and had a fantabulous time.They left the party drunk as hell stumbleling home. They really had to go pee and as they looked around all they saw was the town cemetary.So they peed in the cemetary.The next day Carlos Marias husband called Gustavo Margaritas husband and said "Our wives must of had a hell of a time last night Maria came home with no underwear!鈥?Gustavo replied " Ya Margarita came home with a sign saying You鈥檒l never be forgotten.

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Not to bad!!

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Those are really good ones, I like the MAN OF THE HOUSE the best.

Keep those kinda things a rolling, and have a great day! 8}

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ha ho he he he he .................................. etc ...

i cant stop .....

see ya

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OMG!!! that was AWESOME!!!

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he he he i smiled

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its a beautiful thing

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if this is what married life is like, then it sounds like a ball!!!!!!

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Ouch!!...but very funny!